It’s a full moon tomorrow people! And the first day of Spring! Yay!! Maybe that also means Alabama weather will take the hint and not be freezing anymore. I look forward to bitching about how hot it is in a few months!

This blog has become so therapeutic for me. I never realized writing was until recently. I kept journals all the time when I was younger. Something made me stop though. That’s for another post. Anyways-

Apparently kindergarten takes two days worth of pictures. One day for “spring pictures” another for “class pictures” of course I’ll buy them just to keep them to taunt my child with later and blow them up to life size wall canvases. I’ll also take my own. My favorite kind, the “real” kind. Photos of Vanna teaching herself to draw and getting frustrated about it , Tilton laughing and falling over at making himself dizzy, Tallulah drooling because of four (yes FOUR) new teeth coming in. I want to remember the good times, and the struggles of this season in my life. Why?

For those days I feel defeated and I can’t go on I can look back and realize hey I made it through that, keep going, your work isn’t done here.

An older man holding up a cardboard sign at a gas station made my day today. It said “Veteran in need of a rich wife or gas money”. He smiled as he asked when we were getting married, I unfortunately had to decline for now. I did met his request for gas money. We then prayed together and went our separate ways. I’m sure that man had no plans of begging on the side of the road in his lifetime. I know exactly what it feels like to have nothing though. In that moment of time with him, I was able to help and that’s what matters in this life.

Muddy words make it so hard to see.

You believe only you, never me.

Free as a bird in a cage.

Only enough time to turn one page.

I cling to thee.

My weakness: you saying “please”.

I turn to rage to get out of my cage.

Lost in this world, like it’s a maze.

Don’t give up on me yet!

Give me patience because we have not met.

One of my favorite quotes of all time…

I blame myself a lot of times for not wanting to see someone for who they really are. It’s hard to do when someone is constantly telling you one thing but showing you something different by their actions. Then if you dare confront them about the discrepancy or frustrations you have it’s automatically switched back to oh you’re just trying to argue… stop being dramatic..:for a long time I doubted myself and thought oh maybe they’re right. That I’m the one who’s to blame for everything and always apologize. That’s NOT normal. When you’re around someone all the time who criticizes literally ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you do it crushes your soul. You start to doubt your reality, yourself, and are always seeking this person to validate your experiences because they SAY they love you. That’s not the truth though. Don’t ever live anyone’s version of yourself. It doesn’t matter what they want you to be, need you to be, or try to make you be for their own selfish reasons. That’s a direct reflection of themselves and their own insecurities, what they hate about themselves when they look in the mirror. I spent a lot of days angry at myself for not being able to see it for what it truly was but it was an invaluable lesson I needed to learn for myself. I know my heart, and I know I’m a good person. Sure some of my past actions and behaviors have been “bad” and hurtful. They don’t define my character and who I am tomorrow though! And if someone is constantly throwing your mistakes back in your face to try and make you feel bad about yourself then WALK AWAY from that person. Life is too short to deal with anyone who drains the literal life out of you like that.

• Don’t take for granted your talents. Don’t assume everyone is capable of doing what you create.

• Don’t expect anything from anyone. Assuming someone will do something then getting mad that your expectations weren’t met is failing to communicate.

• Asking for help is not weakness

• Displaying emotions, even those not synonymous with anger, is strength.

• You can disagree with someone and still validate their opinion, feelings, view points, emotions, anything… validating someone does not require agreeing.

• Stop telling yourself the comforting lie of “one day I will **insert goal/dream/passion/feel what I’ve been avoiding/work hard for what you want/turn pain into progress **” the only time we have is now.

• Those dishes in the sink? Not as important as rocking you baby to sleep. The dog hair and dirt on the rug that you’ve already vacuumed 5 times today? Not near as important as that last game of uno before bed. What’s going to happen if you don’t do it right that second??

• Don’t ever assume “oh that won’t ever happen to me!!!” Or “no no not my child!!” It’s a long hard fall off that high horse and for those who realize they’ve hit the bottom, they’re the smart ones.

• YOU ARE NOT A MIND READER!!! And assuming other people are is arrogance/ignorance. Goes back to that whole expectations thing….

• With everyone showing only the highlight reels to the world most times, be honest. Be genuine. That’s a rarity these days.

• “Experiences” are always more memorable and meaningful than anything materialistic.

• Go big or go home. Anything else is a waste of time.

• Question everything. Knowledge can be powerful but you won’t know if you don’t ask.

• It’s better to be kind than win. Also better to be kind than right.

• People are always more important than things.

• Time really is priceless. Don’t be a slave to making money doing a job you hate. Do something that makes you happy, doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

• if some people are more worried about what kind of car you drive, or the brand of your shirt you’re wearing, rather than your character, run far far away from them.

• Just because someone is family it doesn’t excuse their mistakes. And unfortunately just because they’re family doesn’t mean they will truly care about you. Don’t chase after them. Choose your own family.

• You chose how to react or not to, your feelings. It’s a conscious choice. Own it

• Someone who can’t tell the difference between their opinion and facts is immature and poison to your soul. Someone criticizing you often and invalidating you is not love. It’s not trying to make you better by some twisted form of tough love, it’s their own insecurities projected in the most cowardly way. Creating self doubt in another person is cruel and deliberate.

• Words are meaningless without action.

• Never ever settle. Ever.

• Don’t turn to social media if you’re lonely. Get off the phone and try authentic face to face communication. Take it old school. Be assertive.

• You don’t need anyone else to succeed.

You can do anything you want with your life. You are not damaged goods. You are different. Different than any other person on this planet. Know it and believe it. Not less than. You are not your mistakes. You are not your past. You exist only as the here and now. Don’t let the past control your future. Acknowledge the past, feel it, then let it go!!! That is freedom.

Other people may not always agree or understand you. And that is NOT your problem. How they view you is a reflection of themselves and their understanding. It has nothing to do with you. You were born into this world alone, your physical body will all die, and you will leave alone. So don’t waste your time trying to make other people happy. Focus on yourself first. Self care is not selfish. In order to help others, you have to help yourself. In order to be happy and spread joy, you have to chose happiness for yourself. You are worth it. You are enough.

One of the best and worse facts of life is nothing lasts forever here on Earth. Change is ever constant. You have the power to chose how to use that change for good or bad, in any variable of your life, every single day. Don’t take it for granted. The universe, God, or whatever higher power you believe in, does not owe you a tomorrow. Believing that, I’ll always try to love people with my whole heart, help others without any expectations, seek to have more knowledge, and understanding.

Dreamcatchers, wire jewelry, and custom crochet snood.

Acrylic painted jeans, shirts, etc. felt headbands and embroidered jeans.

I don’t know how this happened but my first born had her first performance with her kindergarten class last night. When they announced them as the class of 2031 it made me a little teary eyed!

They sang several songs related to Valentines day and love. It was so cute! Tilton loved taking it all in also. Tallulah tried her best to mimic the hand movements her big sissy was doing on stage.

Vanna had to have her hair pulled up in a bun, with her bangs pulled back. She also requested pink lipgloss and eyeshadow. She definitely has her own sense of style now and is very particular in what she wears. No more picking out clothes for her I only think are cute 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s so true that the days are long but the years are oh so short. It truly starts to fly by the older I get. I look back and realize I don’t have them for long before they’re off on their own. So as hard as it is somedays I really try and cherish the “mommy hold me” heard for the 100th time that day. Because there will be a last time she/he says that. There will be a last time to rock her to sleep. The little moments really are the meaningful ones. Time is the most priceless thing we have. Spend it wisely, there is no going back.

I often find myself lying awake once my little people have fallen asleep with all kinds of things racing in my mind. What was I thinking wearing that to prom? I should’ve never gotten that tattoo. What’s for dinner tomorrow? Maybe I should dye my hair. Etc etc. You get the idea.

I feel like I recently had an epiphany this week about my life. No shit. I guess that whole “mid-life crisis” thing is true. If this even is the middle of my life. Anyways, I thought about how I can be a better mother as I am my own worst critic. I don’t think I’m a bad mom but I do believe there’s always room for improvement in anybody’s life. So, I thought to myself what I want for them, what I hope they’ll become. Not what they chose for professions, because I could care less honestly as long as they’re happy and not hurting themselves or others. More along the lines of their relationships with themselves and other people. I want them to learn from my mistakes. I want them to experience everything they want to in life and do it whole heartedly. You don’t get anywhere in life doing things half way. It’s all or nothing. That’s the only black and white thinking I agree with.

I came up with a few thoughts on this matter and decided the best way for them to learn this is if I show them. Words are meaningless without action. Empty and hurtful without follow through. In order for them to learn it I have to be it for them to see. I want them to know me as for what to be, not just oh don’t be like me because of my mistakes. That’s not fair. The whole do as I say not as I do. They deserve more from me. The best of me. All or nothing right?

I don’t need to be a martyr to be a good mother. In fact, it’s the opposite. If I don’t take care of me, my children don’t get a good mom, because I wouldn’t be showing them self love. Self care is not selfish. I want them to know it’s ok to make mistakes, and they will. I’ll be there to help them but not do it all for them. They need to fail and I’m sure they will. Many times. Doesn’t mean I will love them any less or judge them least. I want them to be able to be completely dependent on the only ones who matter in the end, themselves.

I want my daughter to know that she doesn’t need another person, especially a man, to complete her. She is a wonderful whole person without anyone else. She only needs what’s already within herself. She doesn’t have to seek it out in a man just because one was missing from her childhood.

I want my son to know he is capable of empathy, emotions, and being a partner, an equal to someone instead of a “knight and shining armor”. whoever he chooses to pursue should add something to his life not be in it to take away without giving in return. All the negative things I’ve experienced in my life I’m determined to use them for good. For years I was becoming what I hate the most, that stopped when I learned I didn’t need validation from anyone other than who i see in the mirror. Know your truth. You don’t need anyone else to tell you it. Believe in yourself.