I often find myself lying awake once my little people have fallen asleep with all kinds of things racing in my mind. What was I thinking wearing that to prom? I should’ve never gotten that tattoo. What’s for dinner tomorrow? Maybe I should dye my hair. Etc etc. You get the idea. 
I feel like I recently had an epiphany this week about my life. No shit. I guess that whole “mid-life crisis” thing is true. If this even is the middle of my life. Anyways, I thought about how I can be a better mother as I am my own worst critic. I don’t think I’m a bad mom but I do believe there’s always room for improvement in anybody’s life. So, I thought to myself what I want for them, what I hope they’ll become. Not what they chose for professions, because I could care less honestly as long as they’re happy and not hurting themselves or others. More along the lines of their relationships with themselves and other people. I want them to learn from my mistakes. I want them to experience everything they want to in life and do it whole heartedly. You don’t get anywhere in life doing things half way. It’s all or nothing. That’s the only black and white thinking I agree with. 
I came up with a few thoughts on this matter and decided the best way for them to learn this is if I show them. Words are meaningless without action. Empty and hurtful without follow through. In order for them to learn it I have to be it for them to see. I want them to know me as for what to be, not just oh don’t be like me because of my mistakes. That’s not fair. The whole do as I say not as I do. They deserve more from me. The best of me. All or nothing right? 
I don’t need to be a martyr to be a good mother. In fact, it’s the opposite. If I don’t take care of me, my children don’t get a good mom, because I wouldn’t be showing them self love. Self care is not selfish. I want them to know it’s ok to make mistakes, and they will. I’ll be there to help them but not do it all for them. They need to fail and I’m sure they will. Many times. Doesn’t mean I will love them any less or judge them least. I want them to be able to be completely dependent on the only ones who matter in the end, themselves.
I want my daughter to know that she doesn’t need another person, especially a man, to complete her. She is a wonderful whole person without anyone else. She only needs what’s already within herself. She doesn’t have to seek it out in a man just because one was missing from her childhood. 
I want my son to know he is capable of empathy, emotions, and being a partner, an equal to someone instead of a “knight and shining armor”. whoever he chooses to pursue should add something to his life not be in it to take away without giving in return. All the negative things I’ve experienced in my life I’m determined to use them for good. For years I was becoming what I hate the most, that stopped when I learned I didn’t need validation from anyone other than who i see in the mirror. Know your truth. You don’t need anyone else to tell you it. Believe in yourself.
The M Word 